Happy Canada Day

Happy birthday Canada, you're 143 today. We'll all have some cake and ice cream to celebrate, all 34 million of us. One big-ass cake. We'll take the day off work and reflect what it means to live in the best country on earth, we'll ponder our place on the world stage, as other countries rally to send greetings and blessings to us all. We'll even get to choose whether or not to do any chores, maybe today we'll all get breakfast in bed served to us by the Brits, or the French. The Americans will have their hands full getting ready for tonight's backyard BBQs, getting the grills ready for us, cutting the grass, etc. etc. We'll send the germans to the beer store and the Australians to the liquor store - they have the best wine in my opinion, don't send the Chileans, I don't like theirs.

We'll light the bonfires tonight and celebrate our day with all our friends. We'll roast hot dogs and marshmellows for the kids, have a few beers and relax. It's our birthday. We may even get presents. I know I asked for a raise, that would be nice. Some other friends of mine asked for tax cuts, one asked for a job. Dalton McGuinty, that lovable, ever so affable little dictator of Ontario, has given all the residents of his little province the HST. So kind. We really should all thank him now, but it may be better to wait 'til the election is called.

We'll toast each other tonight, to our health. To our health care system. To hoping we don't have to take advantage of it, although after tonight, some may be in the ER, but not to worry, they won't get a bill, just a long wait. The lasting affects of another gift from a government long ago, universal health care.

We'll probably get a little rowdy tonight as well, and some of us may spill into the streets looking for trouble. The police will undoubtedly be called to quell the riots, and all 6 hooligans will be thrown into the cooler for the night, their broken hockey sticks and rocks taken away. One may even have a gun, but it will more than likely not have any bullets, they're illegal here.

The immigrant population can partake too, those who have come to Canada over the years have done so for a reason, all different, all unique. But there are those who have come to this country to settle because they've heard about our wicked birthday parties and just want to get in on it all. Then, there are those who will see the excitement and long for their homelands, in some cases, knowing they never can return. So they become reluctant Canadians, but they will join in non the less, and make the best of it.

There are those who will attend the party tonight that we didn't invite; the nosey neighbours who always lean over the fence to see what you're up to. We laugh about them, and joke about what we'd do if they did jump over, but when it actually happens, we do nothing. We hand them a beer anyway. Better to keep your enemies closer I suppose, it's just the Canadian way. Eventually we'll send them little hints to hit the road, but they won't get it. The only time they'll actually leave is if they catch wind of another party somewhere. Shouldn't be a problem tonight, there will be lots of parties for them to hop around to.

Our police will be patrolling the streets tonight keeping us safe, our firefighters and hospital workers will be on call in case we need them, politicians will make speeches about how great of a country they have made for us to live in (kinda like you cutting your own grass and the nosey neighbour tells you how good of a job he did in not stealing your lawnmower).

Somewhere in all of this, Canadians of all makes and models will come together to wish each other Happy Birthday. It may not be the most coherent or audible cheer, but it will be there, felt in the hearts of those who chant it out. And there will be those who will break into song for each other - singing Happy Birthday over and over again. Some may even resort to the Beatles' edition. Others countries may sing for us, like Afghanistan, who as we all know, have a large population of Canadian loving folk, at least those who've been told they do. At least the ones the Taliban haven't targeted.

Our flag is universally recognized as a symbol of a peaceful country. A nation of fun-loving people who are ever so quick to help out someone in need. A nation of caring low key people who are humble enough to avoid making waves in the world's swimming pool. Happy enough to enjoy a day truly meant for us. Other nations are jealous of our accomplishments, our food, our tremendous cultural offerings (The giant inflatable mountie is everywhere!), and our hospitality.

Come on over! Our border guards will cheerfully hand out maps to the best parties, and offer all kinds of advice on what areas to avoid. And you thought the delays at the border were caused by unnecessary inspections? Of course not, we don't care what you bring in, but we will take the time to help you get your cargo where it needs to go.

I love this country, and I'm proud to call myself Canadian. I'm proud to wear the maple leaf, I'm proud to have worn the uniform. I will shout from the rooftops about my heritage, and I will have no fear of reprecutions.

I am Keith, and I am Canadian.

Enjoy your day everyone. And to my American readers, Happy Fourth of July. We'll be there to help with your BBQ this weekend, but keep in mind there's not really enough of us to help, so you'll need some other countries to lend a hand.

Cheers.

Morning Ranting

The HST comes into effect next week. Add that to the list of laws added by Ontario's rulers in the past year or two, included outlawing cell phones in cars, smoking in cars, tough rules for teenage drivers, policing what kind of dogs people can own, pesticide bans, removing pop from schools, ordering bars to post sign so pregnant women now finally are told alcohol is dangerous to their babies (it's about time someone told them), overriding municipal bylaws when they deem fit, and much more.

Now I'm not necessarily against some of McGuinty's laws, I just think it's time he stopped for a while and let people decide for themselves. It's time he goes away, stop imposing more rules and regulations to the point that we don't know anymore what's legal or not. At some point I'm going to get a ticket for doing something I thought I could do - Sorry officer, I didn't realize it was against the law to walk up the left side staircase - there was no sign posted that that was the down side! Here's my $55.

Most of this is tax grab. Most of this is making so many laws that the provinces coffers are being filled up with money from unwarranted fines. The HST is in that category as far as I'm concerned, it's another grab at our ever-diminishing bank accounts. McGuinty says it will create jobs. He's right in one sense, because once I'm broke from the extra 8% tax burden, I will have to bust my ass to ring up freelance work just to pay my fucking utility bill or put gas in the car. So there Dalton, your theory worked - I have to start my own business just to raise enough money to feed my family.

It's the same with the graduated licensing system in this province. You have to right several tests now to get your licence, that's not really that inciteful, but the fact that you are destined to fail the first of each and have to pay to retest is an atrocity. I'm firm in my belief that the province has mandated the testing offices to fail everyone on the first go in order to raise more money. Who are they fooling? Taxpayers are not blind or stupid. Well, OK, some are blind and many are stupid, but we need them for entertainment purposes. Why doesn't the province just raise the cost of getting a licence? We're paying through the nose anyway?

With the rising costs of driving now, more people are going to be inclined to take alternate forms of transportation. I'm all for that. I love my bike (or did, til it was stolen for the third time), but how long is it going to be before Dalton decides there's too many bicycles on the road that are not paying their way, and taxes the hell out of them too? Can you imagine - park your bike somewhere and have to pay a meter? Give him time, Dalton will sort out the details. Or how about a 100% tax on bike helmets, and then a $100 fine for not wearing one?

In Windsor we're getting the new Parkway shoved down our throats. The province has anted up buckets of money to pay for it. Our money. Yes, we need the solution, but Dalton and his cronnies have decided to bypass any sort of municipal input and are installing a roadway that Boston is spending billions of dollars to REMOVE. (The Big Dig - Google it). The input of the city was dismissed in favour of our loveable dictator's dream. A concrete garden chock full of diesel belching trucks. All paid for with money from the HST, higher fines, and other hidden tax grabs. The theory here is that they're paying for it - they get what they want.

Anyway, my rant is over, I'm late for work. Here's a morning smile...

Earthquake Zone

I called National Defence Headquarters today, inquiring about my service records. As I left the employ of the Department of National Defence four years ago, my records were transferred there for archiving. So I have to retrieve them before I proceed with my evil plans to return to uniform.

So I made the call and settled in for a long summer's hold please. It is after all, the government. I got an answering machine the first try, so I left my number and went back to work. Surprisingly enough, within the hour they called me back. Miracles never cease. I cheerfully greeted the girl on the other end and began to explain what I needed when I was rudely interupted by this...

"Oh my God! Hold please".

Then the phone clicked. I turned to my coworker and in bewilderment told her what I'd just heard, which was met by a crinkled brow and quizzical look from Rox. Simply out of shear morbid curiosity I held the line. Let's think about this for a moment; I'm calling National Defence Headquarters - the home of the Canadian Forces administration and logistics services, among other things. Also, this coming weekend, Canada is hosting the G20 and G8 conferences in Toronto and Huntsville respectively. And unless you're living under a rock, you know just how much security has been put into place for those events. My attendant greeted me with "Oh my God".

For about 5 minutes I held the line, wondering what was happening. When she finally came back, she was incredibly pleasant and apologetical, while informing me that I'd have to call back later, as they were in the middle of an earthquake, and they were evacuating. You see, NDHQ is in Ottawa, which is just south of the 5.5 magnitude earthquake today, at 1:41 pm.

Just as I was calling.

The quake didn't cause any major damage, but it was registered as far away as Boston. We felt it in our office, and one of the girl's husband called asking if we felt it. I didn't. But several others did.

This was my first earthquake, and I didn't even feel it. Not that I really wanted to, but the experience was lost on me. The only hint of the event was being put on hold quite rudely. For a call that started so upbeat and friendly, it certainly took a downturn. Tomorrow I'll try again, and unless they're still having aftershocks, I shouldn't anticipate any problems, except of course that tomorrow the phone will be answered by Master Corporal Shitforbrains, who's been relegated to a desk job due to his offensive leadership tactics and horrible mannerisms. Such is the army.

Cheers.

Long summer days

It's started, the long days of summer. Notice I left out lazy - that word has been stripped from my vocabulary. This past weekend we did the county roadtrip, for the first time since dad died almost a year ago. We've headed out before, but this time there was no agenda, no destination - just out. It was our intention to find our way to Leamington at the very least, and then meander back towards home. So off we went, around 8am, hit the Timmy's drive through for breakfast and then away.

This trip is nothing new for me, I do it every day going to work, but it's completely different with the family on board. We went through Kingsville, and then down the lake road to Leamington. We stopped at a few yard sales along the way, Kim bought a really nice reproduction tea wagon at some rich guy's house - always go to gated communities for yard sales - they've got the best junk! Next we headed into Leamington proper. There was a small part of me that wanted to see tornado damage, but the larger moral part of me just wanted to leave these people to picking up their lives. As you get closer to the harbour you can't help but to stare - the damage is astounding. The police were doing their part to keep gockers (sp?) out, they were checking ID at roadblocks, so we carried on. Down the road towards the point, we stopped at the lake and let the kids stretch, then back again. On a whim I pulled into the go-cart track, and we took the kids around a few laps. It's nice to be spontanious like that every now and then.

Back to Kingsville for lunch, then to the candy store. There's a place in Kingsville called Sugar, right on Main Street. Three words - you must go. This store has all the retro candy we grew up with, and the best 'fun' stuff around. Everything from insult greeting cards to stuffed animals in the shape of bacteria and viruses. I want to buy a brain cell this week. (Go ahead - I opened the door). I was particularly attracted to the five pound Hershey bar. I didn't ask the price.

We moved off down County Road 50 along Lake Erie, again, more storm damage. People were still cutting down the last of their destroyed trees. That is a very scenic route, and quite relaxing to drive. We came out around Harrow near the new wind farm. Kim was taken back to the turbines - they creep up on you, and their size is certainly impressive. She took a pile of pictures, and again, we moved on.

We headed back to Windsor with the used book sale for Terry Fox in mind. They held that at an empty store at Windsor Crossing - an entire store of cheap books! It was heaven for about an hour. I got a very heavy bag of books for around $20. Nice.

Just as we pulled into Windsor though, the rain started. Nice timing. We were home by 3:30, just in time for our extra child (Bug's friend who stays with us quite often on Saturday nights).

We emptied the car, set up the tea cart, and fell on the couch. A tremendous day. You don't really need to go to some theme park to have fun, although it helps! We needed that day - we needed to be spontaneous and light-hearted. I needed to beat my kids on the go-kart course, we needed ice cream and gum balls, we needed to laugh. I pulled us together as a family and probably did more for our collective phsychie than any other planned event.

Take you family and go. Go somewhere where there is no game plan, no map, just a car and a road.

Just go. It's worth it.

Blog Redux

This is one of my favourite posts, and I felt the need to repost it after rereading it today. It's still applicable.

Enjoy.

A small list of things that bother me, feel free to disagree.

1. REEEAAAALLLLYYYY old people driving 30 in a 60 with their brakes on in the fast lane. Even the buses were honking at her.

2. Things that break too soon, like modern electronics. Why is shit only built to last a couple of years before the self-destruct mechanism goes off? Why do manufacturers think we're going to run out and buy another one of their shitty devices after the one broke the day after the warranty runs out? We're going to buy a different brand, think about it.

3. People who make too much noise late at night, like the idiot down the road running his dirt bike down the alley at top speed at 10pm. I'd like to throw a net across the next time he flies down. This is also the guy who plays with an extremely loud remote-control car on the street. I'd like to accidently back over it.

4. Strikers. Nuf' said.

5. News broadcasts that reiterate what was just said with a text version across the bottom, AS THE PERSON IS TALKING. If you can't hear it, turn on your sub-titles. Broadcasters shouldn't presume that we want to have to read what's being said as it happens. Cut it out CNN.

6. Spam on my cell phone. Hey jackasses - I have to pay for your call. Shut the fuck up. That also goes with texting me about my personal credit history. Let's think about this - you're making it worse!

7. Texting and twitter. People don't really care what you're doing every minute of every day. We have our own lives to think about. Cut it out. As far as texting goes, pick up the damn phone if you want to communicate with me somehow.

8. Cable TV. $60/month to see informercials about shit I heard about on my cell phone. I wasn't interested then, I'm not now. Then rebroadcasts of the shit the networks picked up cheap, like stupid reality shows that cost nothing to produce and take an exacting toll on our brain cells. If I wanted to see and hear people doing normal everyday shit in a house, I'd put webcams throughout my own. Or better yet, get a twitter account.

9. Reality TV. See #8

10. PETA. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. These people are just plain weird and need to be shipped off somewhere. How about somewhere with lots of animals for them to play with, like Borneo. I'm sure they will have a great time playing with man-eating snakes and carnivorous rodents. When they tried to have fish renamed sea kittens in an effort to halt fishing they drew the line. They thought the cuteness factor would do it. Do they really think that me eating a nice cedar smoked sea kitten is going to make me enjoy it any less? Mmmmm, sea kittens... Mmmmmm.

11. Pants hanging off people's asses. It's not sexy. Get over it, your fucking pants are falling down. Either eat a donut or buy a smaller pair.

12. Low rise pants. We don't care to see your C-section scar. As per 11, get a pair that fits.

13. Remakes of things that shouldn't have been made the first time. I hear there's a live action version of the Smurfs coming to a theatre near you. Hopefully not me. Stop it. Get an original idea for Christ's sakes. Bad remakes and bad movie ideas are melting our population's collective brains. People who waste their money on this crap are only contributing to the producers of such shit wanting to make more. Michael Bay is a horrible director. Face it, Transformers 2 sucks, as does most of his movies. Somebody ship him off to Borneo. Maybe there he can get inspired to write an original movie about PETA members being eaten by hordes of angry man-eating parrots, with the cannibalistic residents picking their teeth with the leftover bones. Maybe Michael Bay can be eaten.

14. Sarah Palin. Just shut up and go away.

15. Remixing classic music. Rap artists remix old classic music with new lyrics and sell it to the masses claiming originality. Stop it. Anyone doing this should immediately be sued and shipped to Borneo. Vanilla Ice (remember that freak?) started it, he had no talent at all and proved it when he ripped off Bowie and Queen. Borneo. Nuf' said.

16. Kim Jong Il and Osama bin Laden. Please die.

17. People who keep their jobs with absolutely no effort and no brains. How do you people keep bringing home paychecks? Why is it that with so many people on the unemployment lines you can't see that you really need to make an effort to keep your jobs? This isn't an employees market, it's an employers market. Bosses should fire shitheads who spend all day goofing off and providing absolutely no contribution to the economy. You're taking up valuable space. Go away, get a double wide somewhere in Mississipi with a bath tub and a car motor on your front lawn and leave the jobs for those who will appreciate them.

18. Special interest groups. PETA, NRA, Pro-Life, Pro-Choice, Greenpeace, Pro-Nuclear, Anti-Coal, Pro-Man Eating Parrots, I don't care who you are. You shove your message down our throats with a militant zest. We can't escape. If we don't agree with you, we must be against you. Well, yeah! Of course! Shitheads. Hand out your pamphlets and let us make the choice, don't read it to us and threaten us if we disagree. Just shut up.

19. Vandals and Thieves. People who slash tires, knock over grave stones, bust windows, spray graffiti, steal bikes and lawnmowers, stop it. You're a bunch of bored kids looking for a thrill. Here's a thrill - Borneo. Please give me my 6 bikes and lawnmower back.

20. Arrogant narcicistic morons. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror and become a member of society. You're really not that great, if you were, we'd praise and admire you. Ghandi was great, Trudeau was great, Mandella is great, you're not. Look past your own face for once.

OK, so if you qualify as anyone on this list, or practice anything on this list, stop it. You piss people off. Or maybe just me, but hey, it's my blog, so get over it.

I've played nice nice lately with posts, but this was overdue.

I feel better now.

Cheers.