Thursday, 26 February 2009

Dreams and Regrets

The past week or so has been a time of reflection and solemn contemplation. I've found myself lately getting lost inside myself. Staring off into space with my head full of half-empty thoughts about what would be, what could be. What ifs.

I just spent the past little while wondering about the army. I wonder if the Windsor Regiment has room for a forty year old, out of shape ex-officer. I wonder. I've spent my whole life around the military, from my father's air force experiences to cadets, to my time as an officer with that organization, thoroughly the best time of my life, until it's crashing demise. As I sit here writing, I see my Queen's Commission hanging on the wall. A reminder of good times. Youthful times when I helped shape the mind of our young leaders. A time when coming home covered in mud and reeking of campfire and cordite was fun. I remember Kim directing me to the shower fully dressed in my combats, complete with boots as she held her nose. Good times.

I wonder if I could do it again? I know the reserves are looking for people, maybe it's what I need.

Then my mind wanders off again. This time to the resort town of Southampton, Ontario. My mother-in-law has a trailer there, and Kim practically grew up there. It's wonderful in the summer, a soft breeze off the lake and the sand in your toes. Wandering down main street on our way to get the best cheese bread in Ontario from the General Store, without really hurrying to do so. Canoeing the Saugeen River to Denny's Dam while the warm sun reminds you of just how relaxed you can really get. Pure zen. Kim and I priced real estate their years ago, I regret now never buying there. The prices have skyrocketed. I have a business idea in the back of my mind, it's been there for years. Working for myself, through the vacation off season, and taking the summers off to enjoy the river and the lake. Maybe someday.


Then there's the dreams that we all have - being financially stable enough to take my family to places we've only read about. First would be Rome. Then on to dreams unknown. I don't want to be rich, although I wouldn't complain, just comfortable enough to be able to do things without much thought involved. That could still happen, we've already come this far, it's not too much of a stretch to think we could make it here. Someday.

I've daydreamed about changing my career path lately. Maybe try something completely new, like construction. Or engineering, except that needs a higher level of math than I'm willing to admit I can manage. Whatever, as long as it's different. The army has been done, however much it's missed. The dream in Southampton is just that, a dream. Who knows, but a change. Just as long as it doesn't require a computer or people depending on me to fix theirs.

Regrets are what you have when you failed to pursue your dreams. I have many, like never taking drum lessons. However, I never regretted my marriage, I never regretted my children. They are my strength and my rock. I will try to reignite some dreams, I just haven't decided yet on which ones. Maybe none of these, maybe it hasn't come to me yet. Whatever it may be, I can't wait. I need to put regrets behind me and look to the future. After all, I'm only forty.