Wednesday, 21 December 2011


Lately I've been writing a little about being sick. Ok, maybe too much about being sick. This blog has been my vent port for a lot of shit going on in my head, it's been as much for me as anyone else, a way to journal my experiences with the hospital, doctors, therapy sessions, etc...

Frankly I'm getting a little bored of it all. Don't get me wrong, it's all still there, the illness, doctors and soon, even more therapy, but I can't hang on this forever. Sooner or later I have to move on and realize that there's still a life outside worth living. If I've learned anything over the past months it's that people don't want to hear me whine about it. Talk and whine are two different points of view, so take that as you wish. I've also learned that if anyone is going to break this cycle of depression and fear, it's me.

Sounds easy doesn't it? Stop being so hard on yourself, pull your chin up, go back to work, don't let the small stuff get to you, smile more, catch snowflakes on your tongue, try to hear a fly fart, take up a new hobby like spelunking or some other weird shit, play chess, get your mind back to the present.

Reality bites. These things are really difficult to do unless you are focused and filled with rational thought - especially trying to hear a fly fart - you really have to focus there. For the past few months my hobbies have included coffeeology, cruising the internet, gaming, watching stories about how Kim Jong Il destroyed a country, playing the drums and walking. Not too interesting of a list, maybe it's time I fixed that. Maybe it's time I picked myself up and found something rational to concentrate on.

I was diagnosed in May of this year, and my groups have people that have been dealing with this for up to ten years. That statistic scares me. If they are still in therapy after that long, when can I come out of it? The answer is obvious - I probably can't. I will have this hanging over my head for years to come so it's up to me to make the most of it. Maybe I can have some fun along the way. I don't plan on spelunking anytime soon, or holding a fly up to my ear, but there are things I enjoy doing and I have been told I'm good at to pursue. One of which is writing. I started writing a story a couple of years ago when I was really bored, and it's been sitting here all along waiting for me. Maybe it's time to pick it back up. I have a strong love of the military and it's history, another option. I also love my family, who have been through this journey with me supporting me. It's about time they got their dad and husband back.

There's been too many distractions for the things I love to do. Too many reasons not to do them and in reality none of those reasons make any sense. Part of the illness is the ideology my brain tells me - these things take second seat to being sick. It's up to me to break that distracting irrational thought and get back on the band wagon. I have to get back to work, I have to find new purpose in my life, I have to live again.

Look for my book launch early in 2025.


Monday, 19 December 2011


Today is a typical Monday. Except that it's 6 days til Christmas, my pills aren't working, I'm having trouble getting over the passing of my next door neighbour, who we took care of and befriended like a second grandmother to the kids, I still have no car, and I don't know when I'm going back to work. Short of that, it's a fine day.

I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday - the one who dosed me up on all kinds of meds over the summer, and I had to spend time in the hospital to get sorted out. I look forward to that argument, he's gonna say 'I told ya so', and I'm gonna say 'shut the fuck up and fix it'. Then I will give him the back to work form and ask him to sign it, to which he will demand another $30. Yeah, I look forward to it.

I'm getting ready to leave for the hospital again, I'm starting week 3 of the outpatient psychiatric treatment, or brainwashing. I really don't want to go as I can't see any benefit to all this. The teachers talk too fast and I'm having trouble concentrating on the material. But in the end, it should be worth it. One issue I've had to deal with since May is a lack of ability to concentrate and follow multiple stressors. Alot of that is the medication, alot of that is the illness itself. My feeling is that the Occupational Therapists who teach this thing should know that and teach accordingly. At least I'll have the handouts to go over - they kill more trees in this class than anywhere I've ever been.

5 More days. Then I'm done, and I don't know what comes next. I'll be going to my own therapist once that is over, I actually look forward to that - it's one on one, and once per week. I'm hoping that January brings new promise for me and this mess I'm in, being always confused and scared sucks. Always being on the edge of a breakdown sucks. I know that in the end only I can fix that - no amount of classes or drugs can reverse this course, but I still don't know how to steer the ship.

On a good note, Kim Jung Il died. One less lunatic fucktard in the world is a good start.

Have a nice day.