Monday, 24 November 2014

What the Hell Was I Thinking?

I found this cleaning out old files yesterday...

I'm scared.
I'm terrified.
I'm a mess.
My family will suffer because of my decisions.
My decision are because of my illness.
My illness has lingered because I wouldn't listen.
My judgement is shot.
My perception is gone.
My life as I knew it is over.
My new life is nothing but pain and sorrow.
My family is the victim of that new perception.
My family will suffer because of my ill judgement.
My fear is real.
My fear is overpowering and I can't see past it.
My illness has taken hold of me and I can't escape its grasp.
My life is no longer what I wanted or hoped for.
There is no white picket fence.
There is no happiness in my heart.
There is only fear.
My friends and family are there for me.
My family is suffering more than me. 
My family shouldn't have to endure this.
My friends shouldn't have to listen to this.
My friends and family shouldn't have to rearrange their lives for me.
I should be providing the solid footing for a good life.
I should be working.
I should be around for them. 
I shouldn't be sick.
I should fix the problems I've caused.
I should never have let this happen.
I don't know how to get back to normal.
I have memories of good times and happy people.
I have memories of my youth which were happy and peaceful.
I have memories of my early career, with so much promise.
I have only memories now.
I have fear now.
I have to pay for my kid's educations.
I have to pay for my house.
I have to pay my debts.
I have to pay the piper for my mistakes.
I can't do any of these now.
I can't because of the fear.
I made promises that I haven't kept.
I have lied to my family and friends
I have nothing but regret over those actions.
I have fear about the consequences of those actions.
I don't know how to make amends.
I don't know how to fix my life.

Please help me.

I wrote this on November 1, 2011. Shortly after I was diagnosed Bipolar. I copied this in unedited.

As I read this again I can plainly see how distraught I was over the prospect of losing my career to illness. I had no idea how to proceed, and like everyone who goes through a period of change I was obviously afraid, no idea how to move forward. It's been three years since I wrote this and some of the ideas here are still relevant; I'm still afraid of the future, yes, but I have moved forward in my headspace after therapy and support from friends and family. 

Having a forum to release this energy has a twofold affect, it helps me calm down whilst airing all my dirty laundry to whoever cares to read it. I really don't care who reads my writing, essentially this blog is for my own needs; to vent. Just like this piece, I find it interesting to go back and reread some of my previous attempts. Last week I spent some time going through my first posts from 2008. They were terrible. I had nothing to say, just blabbling on about mundane everyday life. When I got sick, the posts began to change. I constantly talked about the pain of being sick (I don't like to call it that anymore, I don't have cancer or lack of bones). The posts began to get very dark and worried many friends, family, and in hindsight, myself. This is a perfect example of the place my mind was.

I'm posting this because I'm moving forward. Or at least trying too. I've slipped a few times in the past month or so, even once commenting on the fact that life was no longer worth living. The coward's way out. Then good things happen and your mood changes quickly. The crappy thing about being Bipolar is that one can change back in a heartbeat. The Dr. Jeckle and Mister Hyde thing again. But you deal with the mood swings and move on. You look for the good in life and push yourself in that direction. This is what I'm striving for by reposting these negative comments. When I read them again after a period of time I can see where I sit in relation to the universe. I can see how things have changed - good or bad. 

I can see the light. Unfortunately on some days that light is a dim bulb that burns out.


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