Wednesday, 1 February 2012

The battle inside my head

So far I've found that being Bipolar has absolutely no perks, unless of course you revel in the idea of a constant shift from depression to manic states.

I don't.

The past few days I've been smacked with the former, and it hasn't been easy for my family.

When the depression hits, you don't want to do anything, or should I say, you 'can't' do anything. I keep telling myself to get off my ass and do something, but the nature of the beast brings me back down to a fetal position again. I try to entertain my self with books, games, even chores, but most activities are dropped under the pretence that I'd rather sulk. Depression just plain sucks. I've found my safe place is here in the house, so I don't like going outside, even though yesterday it hit double digit temperatures, I should have enjoyed the walk to the meeting with the Canadian Mental Health Association.

That was fun. For just over 2 hours I sat with a case worker going over the past year's trials and tribulations. She was good about it, and it was with good purpose, I now have a case worker (or will within a month's time, they're a bit busy). She brought me back to the first day I found I had a problem and moved forward from there. Not an easy thing to do - I've been through so much since last April and remembering it all was quite difficult. Dates, medications, breakdowns, family issues, all of these had to be logged. All of these had to be pulled from an already strained memory. Retelling the same stories though, is getting old. There are some instances that are quite vivid and I don't want to keep talking about them, but I have to, for example my 2 week stint in the psych ward.

At the end of it I was shaky and full of anxiety again. Even though it was a productive meeting. I came home with a package full of new information and places to go if the need arises, a referral to the Mood Disorder Clinic, which is at a hospital by physician's referral only - I have to have my psychiatrist enrol me for that. Not to mention there's a 6 month waiting period to get in.

She saw right through me. She noticed my shaking and heard in my voice that I want nothing better than to put this past me and get back to work, which I do. These walls, comforting as they are, are closing in. Not to mention the lack of a paycheck.

Yup, I want to get better.

The manic part is sometimes preferable to the depression, but not much. Last weekend I went on a rampage cleaning the family room and storage room. This of course had the obvious affect of knocking me out. Once done, I crashed. This manic episode, where one tries to do everything possible in the shortest period of time can be dangerous. Some people that I've talked to turn to the bottle or drugs when this happens, some run, some get violent, I clean. Whatever the manic state creates in a person, the ending is always the same - crash and depression.

Hence the past couple of days. Today is new, I'm alone in the house listening to Rachmaninov, having a coffee and writing while the sun shines through the front window. It's all good. I know I have some laundry to do today, and I have some other things I want to get done, but it's early. Relaxed as I am, it's difficult to tell what will happen an hour from now that will change everything. It really sucks.

Some episodes over the past months have started this way - a beautiful sunny day where all is good with the world, and suddenly I'm in an ambulance. (I still don't remember police in my kitchen last November when I passed out in an episode). So being alone is a double edge sword; I relish the peace and quiet, the music and the freedom to carry on as I wish, I always have, but there's the ever present fear of having the day go horribly wrong.

So today I will put stressors out of my mind, I may not even check the mail. I will do what makes me content and calm, and I will get through it. I may even enjoy it. Writing this is the first step to that. I don't even care if anyone reads it, to me it's therapy, and necessary. Readers of this blog have been good for my mental state, your kind words and compliments on the writing boost me up, but it's difficult to do. I re-read the comments to feel better. I never however, re-read the blog!

So to those of you who have played that part, thank you. You have helped me get through this even though you don't know it.

That and the anti-psychotic meds.


1 comment:

  1. Sweetie, although you may not think so at this point in time, you are so very brave to put this out there for all of us to share your journey. You are one of my heroes for raising my awareness of this disease.
    Know that you are loved and treasured in my life ♥


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