Thursday, 9 February 2012

Huge Elephants

I'm about an hour away from doing something that will affect me greatly. It scares the hell out of me.

My diagnosis has messed up everything I know in the past year and I've had to make a lot of difficult decisions. But everything to this point pales in comparison to the one I have to make this morning. I will be meeting with my psychiatrist soon to decide whether or not to go back to work. Part of me wants to, but a bigger part of me realizes that I can't - not in the job I have waiting for me in it's present form.

The medication and therapy has not worked as it should and I'm still having major issues. Most days are good, but bad ones are enough to make everyone around me cringe. The fear and panic associated with the disorder is unbearable at times and I just want it to stop, but I have to let it ride it's course. No medication helps. No soothing music, or calm voice helps, I just have to ride it out. There is progress on this, I'm getting a referral to the Mood and Disorder Clinic this morning, problem is the waiting list for that program is six months long. I'm also on the list for a CMHA worker to begin working with me soon. (Canadian Mental Health Association).

So here I go, into the unknown yet again, list of questions and arguments in hand. Hopefully I can make more progress today, but the one elephant in the room isn't shrinking. He's growing. Gotta stop feeding that damn elephant.


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