American History Part One, by Donald J. Trump

Part One - The Early Years, 1776-1815ish

In the beginning there was darkness, and then God created America, and he saw that it was good. It was 1776. I wasn't there, but I think it was about then. There were other people around the world, but they weren't American, so they don't matter. The American people were hard working folks, and loved their country. But the British were there, and kept pissing them off. George Washington, a great American, said, "throw the tea in the harbour! That'll teach them to tax us!" The great American people did as he requested, they threw all the tea in the harbour at Boston, and taught the British a lesson they soon wouldn't forget. That was the start of the Tea Party, which stands to this day as a great institution.

A group of men led by Thomas Jefferson sat down one day to make a declaration to keep the British out for good. Men like Ben Franklin, John Hancock, John Adams, Benjamin Harrison and a bunch more. Then they wrote down the greatest of documents, the Constitution, which was almost word for word from Christian teachings. These were great men. except for Hancock, he was a dummy, didn't really do much but somehow has a bank named after him.

The head of the British was George III, he was a nazi, his name was George Saxe-Coburg Gotha for Christ's sakes! He was also insane, he was a dummy. He did a lot of dumb things like tax the good American people, and constantly sent his army here looking for a fight. So we gave them one. They started the war by killing a couple of our guys, who were only defending their second ammendment rights. That wasn't fair, so we kicked all the British out. Many men became heros in that struggle, but some didn't, as they got captured. George Washington led the army, and after continued as president, retiring to Mount Vernon, where he lives today in quiet retirement. A great American.

The British fled to Canada and invaded them. The Canadians took them in because they're weak. The British under George III easily took control of the country and used it as a staging ground for attacks on the USA for the next 30 years. They kept coming and taking our trade goods, they made friends with the savages in the west country (I think that was around Indiana or something, I don't know, I wasn't there). The indians, under control of the British kept attacking hard working Americans and killing them. They even killed African-Americans, who were just simply trying to keep to themselves and be the hard-working people they are. The indians had to be stopped or they would threaten the USA. So we dealt with them. Eventually we bought land from them and we learned to live in peace, the indians decided to create their own little communes where they were most happy.

Around 1812 the British invaded the USA again. This time they used Canada as a staging point and attacked Detroit (I'm sure that's why Detroit is a mess today), they attacked Buffalo and finally Washington itself. President Madison decided to do something about it, and sent our great army into Canada to stop them. When the British attacked Washington, they tried to burn the White House, but Madison's wife Dolly - another great American; stopped them, and put out the fire, saving the famous picture of Washington. The British kept a' coming. They attacked New Orleans, and New York. They attacked northen Michigan, and some other places, I'm not sure.

The American army under Madison fought them back at every turn. They forced the Brits back to Niagara, where they saw the mighty falls there, and decided it was a good place (after the Brits were slaughtered of course), to set up some nice hotels, golf courses and restaurants so people could visit and see the great American sight for itself.

Eventually, the American army cornered the British at New Orleans in 1815 and wiped them out, sending a clear message to the rest of the world that this was our country and nobody was going to try to be a dummy and take over. We kicked out the foreigners, we kicked out the immigrants that were doing us harm by raping and killing Americans. We taught everyone a lesson that the USA was the best!

So an era of peace emerged after the British were taught a valuable lesson not to mess with us. We entered an era of prosperity where all God-fearing American men (white, male, between the ages of 18-65) could live in peace, vote for the best people, create great things, and make lots of money. Everyone was rich, just like me. Nobody wanted for anything because there was nobody there to take it from them.

Those ideals set down in these early days laid the groundwork for our great nation. A nation of wealthy industrialists and other hard-working people who just wanted to live in peace by themselves. In the following years the USA was tested over and over again by others in the world who were jealous and wanted a piece of us. In my next edition I'll cover more of what makes America great.