Runts.

Change doesn't come easy to me. I'm a creature of habit. Hell I still have the dresser I had when I was six. I buy the same kind of shoes, the same kind of pants, drink my coffee the same as I did when I was 20, yadda yadda yadda. 

So hitting middle age makes me cringe for many reasons, things must change. My health for one. I went to see the doctor today because I'm loosing weight faster than dryers eat socks. I've lost almost 40 pounds in the past eight months, and that is just a little bit disconcerting. The first question she asked me today was "how much are you eating?" My answer was met by an obvious "Go eat a sandwich sometime". Yeah. Obviously. When I'm down, I don't eat. I know that's an issue. Even though I'm hungry and my stomach is in violent contractions, I will sit there, not wanting to bother. When I'm up, I binge. It ain't good. That's step one.

Step two, next week I get to go for a full work up, physical, blood test, urine test, the lot. She even mentioned the dreaded P word. (prost... I can't say it, it's painful to think about). Step three is thyroid, vitamin supplements and dietary supplements such as Boost. My calorie intake sucks.

So change is in the air. Middle age is in the air, I've been in denial for years. You don't really think middle age when you're still trying to figure out a career. In my mind, I'm still 26, not 46.

I started today, as soon as I got home from the doctor's I made myself a big bowl of oatmeal, an hour later a couple sandwiches, and a macaroni and beef concoction for dinner. I missed breakfast, the meal I hate the most. Mornings for me are coffee, open one eye; more coffee, crack the other eye; more coffee, focus the first eyeball... Cooking would be stupid. But I have to change that before I disappear in a wisp. 

Last year I was a steady 180 pounds. At one point two years ago I broke 200 for the first time in my life. I've always been thin, I sat around 145 for years. My weight, like my penchant for things staying the same, never varied. I used to piss my wife off because I never tried on pants, I'd read the tag and head for the checkout. Then I went up and had to start going into the change room. Now that I'm back down to 150, stuff I bought a couple years ago doesn't fit. Sigh.

Being thin is almost as much a crutch as being overweight. I never got picked first for school sports, I was laughed at on the beach, I ran out of energy too soon, and being that thin meant a lack of upper body strength. I took to the army to work on that and it soon dawned on me that I could keep up with the big guys, to some degree. But it's always been tough. When I went up I felt normal. Like just anyone else, last year my dreams of normality were crushed. I was a runt again. At the very least I'd like to not have to go buy yet more temporary pants. Cause, you know, I'd have to try them on. 

I'd at least like to be the same size as my 19 year old son. It's hard to be the big guy of the house when you're the smallest!

So I will change, because life moved on and I must move with it. I will take my Boost, take my vitamins, change my diet. At least I stopped eating fast food! (Um, wait... maybe I should take that up again...) I'll pull out the bike and start riding again, go for long walks and get more physical. I've slacked off and it shows. It shows the degree of 40 pounds. I've already heard people say how much they wish they could lose 40, or 30, or 10, but believe me, when you're a little guy it makes a huge difference. Look closer at the skinny runts you walk past, they also suffer from body image. It's turned around somewhat, but the problem is similar. Sure, we don't have to worry about things like diabetes, or heart issues brought on by being overweight, but it's a curse none-the-less.

I'm off to get that sandwich.