What the Hell Was I Thinking?

I found this cleaning out old files yesterday...

I'm scared.

I'm terrified.

I'm a mess.

My family will suffer because of my decisions.

My decision are because of my illness.

My illness has lingered because I wouldn't listen.

My judgement is shot.

My perception is gone.

My life as I knew it is over.

My new life is nothing but pain and sorrow.

My family is the victim of that new perception.

My family will suffer because of my ill judgement.

My fear is real.

My fear is overpowering and I can't see past it.

My illness has taken hold of me and I can't escape its grasp.

My life is no longer what I wanted or hoped for.

There is no white picket fence.

There is no happiness in my heart.

There is only fear.

My friends and family are there for me.

My family is suffering more than me. 

My family shouldn't have to endure this.

My friends shouldn't have to listen to this.

My friends and family shouldn't have to rearrange their lives for me.

I should be providing the solid footing for a good life.

I should be working.

I should be around for them. 

I shouldn't be sick.

I should fix the problems I've caused.

I should never have let this happen.

I don't know how to get back to normal.

I have memories of good times and happy people.

I have memories of my youth which were happy and peaceful.

I have memories of my early career, with so much promise.

I have only memories now.

I have fear now.

I have to pay for my kid's educations.

I have to pay for my house.

I have to pay my debts.

I have to pay the piper for my mistakes.

I can't do any of these now.

I can't because of the fear.

I made promises that I haven't kept.

I have lied to my family and friends

I have nothing but regret over those actions.

I have fear about the consequences of those actions.

I don't know how to make amends.

I don't know how to fix my life.

Please help me.

I wrote this on November 1, 2011. Shortly after I was diagnosed Bipolar. I copied this in unedited.

As I read this again I can plainly see how distraught I was over the prospect of losing my career to illness. I had no idea how to proceed, and like everyone who goes through a period of change I was obviously afraid, no idea how to move forward. It's been three years since I wrote this and some of the ideas here are still relevant; I'm still afraid of the future, yes, but I have moved forward in my headspace after therapy and support from friends and family. 

Having a forum to release this energy has a twofold affect, it helps me calm down whilst airing all my dirty laundry to whoever cares to read it. I really don't care who reads my writing, essentially this blog is for my own needs; to vent. Just like this piece, I find it interesting to go back and reread some of my previous attempts. Last week I spent some time going through my first posts from 2008. They were terrible. I had nothing to say, just blabbling on about mundane everyday life. When I got sick, the posts began to change. I constantly talked about the pain of being sick (I don't like to call it that anymore, I don't have cancer or lack of bones). The posts began to get very dark and worried many friends, family, and in hindsight, myself. This is a perfect example of the place my mind was.

I'm posting this because I'm moving forward. Or at least trying too. I've slipped a few times in the past month or so, even once commenting on the fact that life was no longer worth living. The coward's way out. Then good things happen and your mood changes quickly. The crappy thing about being Bipolar is that one can change back in a heartbeat. The Dr. Jeckle and Mister Hyde thing again. But you deal with the mood swings and move on. You look for the good in life and push yourself in that direction. This is what I'm striving for by reposting these negative comments. When I read them again after a period of time I can see where I sit in relation to the universe. I can see how things have changed - good or bad. 

I can see the light. Unfortunately on some days that light is a dim bulb that burns out.

Cheers.

Too Many Things

2003, previous to buying

I fell in love with this house when I saw it. It's not the prettiest house on the street, it's old (built in 1925), and it had issues that had to be dealt with before we even moved in. For example, it didn't have a working furnace. But it had character and a lot of potential. Over the 11 years we've lived here we've had to overcome many obstacles in or to be comfortable here. We replaced the furnace in the first 30 days, painted and patched several rooms, ripped out the old shed in the yard and replaced it with something more durable and modern, ripped out bushes that were planted (or grew wild) with no purpose, replaced windows, replaced the ceiling in the kitchen after a chunk of it fell on me, replaced doors, built a back fence, built a patio, drywalled the laundry room and basement stairway, and much more. We did a lot to bring this house up to livable.

2007, new windows, shutters, gardens

But the joys of home ownership means that situations will arise from time to time that are unexpected and unwanted. A few years back the bottom fell out of our hot water tank flooding the basement. Before replacing the tank I had to replace the floor it sat on. There was actually a tree growing up from the underside of the tank!

We also had an infestation in the bedrooms at one point that saw us throwing out all the carpeting from the second floor and stairs. We had to install new flooring throughout. That also saw us investing a ton of money into professional cleaning. We had to invest in new mattresses and threw out a lot of clothes. Unfortunate circumstances that cost too much time and money. In hindsight we have great new floors, but ouch. 

There's still much to do here. I still haven't painted over the green living room, fixed the cracks in the exterior wall of the kitchen, which is four inch thick concrete.

Some day.

Backyard, 2003 prior to purchase

We've had some successes here but with every step forward there's a half step back. Now the kitchen roof is leaking, I may have to replace a ton of the insulation and tiles in the kitchen. Now it's the upstairs toilet. The intake pipe is leaking inside the floor and the only way to fix it is to carve a huge hole in the ceiling below it. Wife is not pleased. Luckily we have a bathroom downstairs, but I still have to fix the leak. Yesterday we punched a hole in the ceiling to see what we're dealing with, and the lathe is soaked. It's been leaking into the ceiling for years. It's obvious that there was a leak there before we bought the place, you can plainly see where a portion of the ceiling has been replaced. It's back. So today I have to get up there with a sawsall and open up the hole so I can access the pipes. That's the easy part, I have no idea how to fix plumbing!

2007, new patio and fencing (not complete yet) 

Some days I wish I rented again. So much easier and cheaper to call the landlord and have them fix the problems. That's if you have a landlord who will actually do it, all too often we hear horror stories of slum lords who refuse to fix anything. I think my wife feels I am one of those as well, I have a dozen unfinished repairs and projects around here. Some are just beyond my abilities. Some are just overwhelming. It's easy to turn away to something easier and forget about it. Until of course you're reminded about it. And I'll be the first to admit I get lazy with some things. I'm working on that.

There are things about such an old house you can't easily do much about. The floors on the first floor are crooked. If you put a ball down gently it will roll away. Furniture is shimmed up. That's just the result of the house settling for the past 90 years. It can be fixed but at a very high price tag. That's right up there with dream projects like restoring all the woodwork and finishing the modernization of the basement.

For the most part I'm happy with this place, but it erks me looking at the shape of some of it. I'll get there eventually. There will always be repairs and projects around here, but my to-do list isn't shrinking that quick.

Cheers.

Whack-A-Loons et. al.

I've spent a bit of time this week bouncing around the internet reading different things, news sites, Facebook pages on political subjects, off the grid information sites, I even stumbled upon some sites dedicated to conspiracy theories - they make for particularly funny reading. With all these sites a common theme came through time after time: people are idiots and will believe anything. With the advent of this form of media being made available to everyone from successful business professionals to struggling students, opinions abound. And they're funny as hell.

Here are some of my favourite topics gleaned for the week's efforts...

• The CIA created ISIS
• Obama and his administration are muslims and are trying to destroy the US
• A giant fissure that opened up in the Arizona desert is God's way of keeping Mexicans out of the US
• There are concentration camps operated by FEMA throughout the US and Canada
• The United Kingdom is now 80% muslim
• The 9/11 terrorist attacks were carried out by a group of Jewish bankers
• The United Nations is trying to disarm the US by influencing the government into changing the 2nd    
   amendment
• The attack on Canadian Parliament was faked by the government in order to raise the security
   status

So many idiots, so little time (for them). 

We've seen over and over again that people (and sheeple), have some very weird views of the world and their views are more vocal when turmoil hits us. Everyone has an opinion, and thanks to free speech in our little part of the world, everyone is entitled to those opinions. But people don't think about how ridiculous these ideas are. It's entertaining to those of us with brains, but pathetic. It only goes to show how dumb people can be.

Yup, I wasted a week reading this dribble.

Notice that three of the above "news" items are based on muslims? That isn't really a surprise considering what is going on in the middle east. Let's put out a disclaimer here, I'm not going to support or slam any religion again, my religious views are my own and I will leave them off this forum. Suffice it to say though, these ideas are based on religious fears. Especially the idea that God ripped a hole in the earth to help "fix" the immigration problem. Christians fear muslims, muslims fear Christians and Jews. Jews fear nobody. It goes on and on. As entertaining as these posts were the religious aspect of the information was getting old fairly quickly. So I switched to mainstream media to turn my brain back on. Guess what, didn't work.

Mainstream media sites covered many news stories last week, from the shooting at a Florida university, to the massive snowstorm in New York State, to Obama's immigration decisions. (Apparently nothing happened outside the US). Then I made the mistake of reading comments. And again, my brain melted. The sheeple started all over again with ridiculous right-wing neo-conservative religious based dribble. These idiots are the ones that give religion a bad name. They're the ones spreading hatred and intolerance. And the paranoia doesn't stop with comments on news sites, I clicked on some of their FB links only to find they're certifiably nuts. With a giggle I carried on. 

People don't realize just how dumb they come off.

Idiots of the world unite. That should be Facebook's motto. Social media has been an amazing advancement for our age, it connects us to the world in ways we never thought possible just a few short years ago. But it has also endangered our own sense of morality and ethics. By using Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other media platforms people are displaying their personal agenda for all the world to see, and much of it isn't pretty. The problem of course is that sheeple believe this crap. It becomes the truth for those who can't disseminate real information from meaningless garbage and moronic theories. It does one thing however, it provides hours of entertainment to people with brains and a sense of humour.

Cheers.

Religion For Sale

Organized religion is all about marketing.

It's all about advertising. Selling the message of God to anyone who will listen has been going on since the first known organization of beliefs, Hinduism, identified in Egypt around 4,000 BC. Then, as with now, religious leaders organized their flock and filled them with knowledge and rhetoric befitting their beliefs. People followed because it was a message of hope, or because they were under threat to do so. Either way, people followed. Religious leaders got the word out any way they could, mostly by word of mouth, and people followed. It was all in how they sold it.

Today is no different. It doesn't matter what you believe, whether you're Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Sheikh, Shinto, Buddhist, or Pastafarian (Yup, it's real, it's the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They are basically coming out against organized religion, but they managed to become one!)

It doesn't matter. Anything you believe, unless, like the leader of weird cults who invented their own message, has been passed down and picked up by sheeple. Thousands of years ago this was achieved through the use of church elders talking to people in groups or as individuals, and convincing them that they should follow. In many case these elders, prophets, leaders, or whatever they wanted to call themselves, were persecuted for their beliefs. Many were killed just for not towing the party line as it were. Christians were persecuted for hundreds of years all across the known world, until Constantine the Great made Christianity the religion of Rome. Even then, it didn't stop. They were killed and are being killed all around the world because their belief was different. Jews have been persecuted from time in memoriam, exiled, killed or forced to convert, by Christian, Muslims, and more. The Crusades of 800 years ago had the intention of driving the Muslims out of the Holy Land and capture Jerusalem. Muslim armies invaded Spain and sacked Hindu provinces in India, Ottomans invaded Turkey, Jews invaded Palestine, and it goes on and on. To this day it's happening. ISIS has invaded Syria and Iraq with the intention of creating a new Caliphate. Marketing by the sword.

There are some obvious exceptions to this list of forced conversions. Buddhists really didn't piss anyone off, but even they had their moments.

All of this fighting came from religious leaders' beliefs that they had the better message. Bolster the ranks of the believers, bolster the ranks of the military, make their religion number one. It's all about numbers. They believed, as we do today, that only OUR religion matters. Only OUR religion will give you nicer teeth, a better car, a healthier diet, better lawyers, and a place in the afterlife. Only OUR religion can give you a better life, and you'd better get the message or you're dead.

Today, for the most part, religion is about communicating a message.

How that is done is up to the church leaders imagination. Social media is all the rage today, but before it's advent, television, radio, door to door, leaflets, word or mouth, newspaper, or just an open door was enough to pull in the masses. Now, our computers have replaced most of this. Unfortunately, it's not peaceful.

People still kill in the name of God. People still believe that the only religion is theirs, the rest must be eliminated because their believers are infidels. Most wars in history were started in the name of God, and NOBODY HAS THAT RIGHT.

Today, ISIS is spreading their message of hate to the world through marketing avenues never imagined possible just a few short years ago. Unfortunately, it's working.

Converts are flocking to their cause around the world, forcing their ideology of singularity on millions of people who don't want to hear their message. We have our own thanks, we've already got a marketing company. Many of these people being indoctrinated and brainwashed don't even have to travel to their strongholds to cause havoc. Their intention of spreading the message of brutal Sharia law is spreading like a plague around the world because of new communications methods. 

Case in point, Anjem Choudary. This asshole (sorry, can't find a better word), is totally committed to bringing Sharia law to England, through any means necessary. He is a Brit, a former lawyer, who is presently living off the the public purse (and proud of it), in London, England. He has had his passport taken away, been arrested numerous times and is presently in jail waiting trial. He has formed or has been a member of several banned muslim organizations in the UK. Every time the government bans his groups, he simply forms a new one! 

Great marketing.

This moron is the most dangerous man in England. He organizes street marches, organizes Muslim patrols with the intention of forcing Sharia on unsuspecting people, teaches Jihad and Sharia in his meetings, supports ISIS, and has openly said that he won't be happy until all women in England "are covered from head to toe". He's a danger to society, and yet the government won't do anything about him spreading his hatred except taking away his passport and fining him for minor offences. He's already said he'd gladly go to Syria to be with ISIS, but he has no passport. GIVE IT BACK TO HIM THEN! Let him go.

This guy is not the only one. There are thousands more like this whack-a-doodle all over the world. People who preach intolerance and hatred against "non-believers". 

They must be stopped. 

Religion has a very important place in society. I bonds communities, gives people hope, creates aspirations to greater meanings and more. It also ruins us. What's happening today in the world is proof of that. We're seeing religion tear the world apart, again. Religion must be tolerant, or we're doomed. The message of hatred is spreading faster now than ever because people in power have got better tools at their disposal to spread the word. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+, and modern media outlets like online newspapers and broadcasters are giving these idiots the voice they need to spread doom. It's a juggernaut that cannot be stopped. 

Not even the competing message of moderate peace loving faiths can stop it. Hate mongers do it better. Just as religious organizations spread fear over the course of human history, hate mongers spread fear today. Nothing has changed except how it's marketed. The old saying goes even bad press is still press.

Pray for peace.

ISIS just started WWIII

We're at war again.

This time it's against an ideology, not a country. Not unlike the war that started with the Nazi ideology of the 1930s. Hitler laid the foundations of militant beliefs in the 1920s with his book Mien Kampf, and has unfortunately managed to radicalize people to this day. ISIS has a different ideology but based in the same frame of mind.

ISIS believe in conquering the world with its fanatically views of religion, specifically Sharia Law. They've blasted their rhetoric across the world and have attacked and stolen territory from sovereign nations. They have vowed to kill anyone who does not believe in this, broadcast messages to believers of their putrid beliefs around the world and are succeeding in brainwashing converts to Islam into killing non-believers.

They have started a world war.

Their disgusting displays of violence is unprecedented. Not even the Taliban is this cruel. Beheading children, selling women into slavery, crucifixions, stonings, and more. There is a video online (which I will not post due to its disturbing nature), that shows men lined up to be shot. One by one the men walk down a boat dock towards a man with a handgun, who casually shoots them in the head and tosses the body into the river. I just about puked when I saw that. You cannot un-see what has been seen. This incredibly brutal video went on for about five minutes. Many men died in that short time. Hitler killed over six million Jews and the war he started cost the lives of over ten million people, of which 46,998 of whom were Canadian. But this is different. The brutality is unlike anything the world has seen in hundreds of years.

ISIS has started a world wide crusade not unlike the Christian crusades of 800 years ago when western Christian nations, under the direction of the Popes, invaded the Holy land to recapture it from the Muslim Sultans. The crusades were wrong. They never should have happened, and the same can be said about the events in Syria and Iraq today. Just as the Sultans repelled the crusades, we MUST repel ISIS.

WO Patrice Vincent

Cpl. Nathan Cirillo

In the past week this new war has come home. With the killing of Warrant Officer Patrice Vincent and Corporal Nathan Cirillo, ISIS has managed to come to Canada's shores. They have convinced Canadian to kill their own soldiers. The men responsible for these murders were recent converts to Islam and as the RCMP has indicated were radicalized to Sharia tendencies by ISIS. The RCMP has 90 men on their terrorist watch list. They have identified 30 people who have already gone overseas to fight with ISIS, and are watching about 130 more.

Why are they letting this happen?

Recently Prime Minister Harper authorized the deployment of the Armed Forces to assist in the battle against ISIS. Six CF-18 Fighter/Bombers, 2 Aurora surveillance aircraft and a tanker, as well as 600 support staff, are on their way to Kuwait. This is in addition to special forces troops (JTF2) to act as advisors to those fighting the insurgency. This is all too little too late. 

We have a strong military in comparison to its relatively small size. We should be doing much more than this. We have proven ourselves in combat around the world, and yes, we have paid the price. War memorials, not unlike the National War Memorial in Ottawa all round Canada are tributes to our fallen men and women who have taken up the fight and paid the ultimate price. We stepped up time and time again, most recently in Afghanistan where we lost 157 soldiers and one diplomat. We stepped up. All countries should. The US has committed air power and ground advisors to the fight but that will not stop them. Bombing their tanks does not stop the people in occupied territories from beheading children.

There are those who are insisting the the Canadian Forces be deployed across Canada to deal with the threat. Stop them here first and deal with them overseas later, or let other more powerful nations go head to head. Bullshit. We need to be there, in force. All countries with any sense of right and wrong should be there. We need to protect the innocent people from the hell that has befallen them. If we don't we're no better than the occupying powers. People are going to die in this war, thousands already have. The fact that two of them were here on Canadian soil is a tragedy, but we need to look at the bigger picture. This is just going to get worse. ISIS is radicalizing thousands to their cause all around the world and it needs to be stopped where it started, in Syria and Iraq.

Nations involved in the fight against ISIS:

United States
Canada
United Kingdom
France
Germany 
Australia
Netherlands
Saudi Arabia
United Arab Emirates
Jordan
Egypt
Qatar
Iraqi Kurdistan

Anyone think this is enough?

Nope.

The United Nations needs to get involved. NATO needs to commit. Russia and her allies need to step up. More Middle Eastern countries need to open their eyes to the immediate threat to their territories and way of life. So much more than this measly list needs to be done. Now.

We're entering an unprecedented time in modern history. We're entering an era where an idea can rage like the plague around the world, leaving no nation untouched, and cause havoc the likes we have never seen. Thanks to modern technology like social media, there is no stopping it. We can't just turn off our TVs. The ideology of ISIS is spreading and it cannot be stopped unless it is from the source. We must band together and cut the beast's head off. We must fight for what WE believe and not be subject to someone else's beliefs. We must protect those around the world that cannot protect themselves.

We must fight.