Define batshit crazy.
This morning I asked my children for an opinion on my behaviour. I have homework to do for the Mood and Anxiety Disorder Clinic meeting tomorrow, and for the most part I can fill out the questionnaire, but one question eluded me - Define your behaviours. I can't do that. There's a reason I had Kim going with me to the psychiatrist's appointments with me. There's a reason I relied on other people to tell me when my judgement was clouded or non-existant. I can't recognize behavioural changes.
For the most part I can see where I am now compared to years ago, but these changes have evolved over time and to me they're perfectly normal. I can also see where I have tried my hardest to create change, but even then I don't know if my attempts at change have worked. Only those around me can tell.
My son had a great answer to my question - "If I didn't know what mental illness was, I would have said you were batshit crazy."
Thanks Iain.
I know that my judgement is clouded by my condition. I know that some decisions I make are not really up to normal. Taking a bottle of Scotch on a cadet weekend last October is the best example of that I can find, but there have been other times where my actions, which seem perfectly normal to me; have been outright stupid. The problem is I can't see where my reality ends and the clouds begin. Parenting is a perfect example. It's very difficult now to be a parent - making decisions that I used to make regularly regarding discipline of my children and the running of the household are now questioned constantly. Am I being too harsh? Am I being too lenient? Am I being an asshole? Am I batshit crazy? I just don't know anymore. It makes it very difficult to be a father.
My children are very aware of what I'm going through, as is Kimberly-Ann, and are all quite supportive, even if they want to escape it sometimes. OK, all the time. But I don't think I'm crazy.
Crazy is such a negative word. Almost a comedic word these days, it connotation has changes somewhat with the advent of support for mental illness. You're more likely to see the word crazy being used in reference to a comedy sketch or someone perfectly normal doing something off the wall for a thrill or just for fun. You don't see the psych ward at the hospital labelled "crazy people ward". Even the word lunatic is out the door. I think my cat is crazy, but thats as far as the term goes around here. Except of course the video of my wife singing the Oscar Mayer Wiener song at the top of her lungs in a Wal-mart in Iowa. That was also crazy. But she isn't.
And I don't think I am either. Especially not batshit crazy. I have Bipolar Syndrome, which affects a person's mental state adversely, and I have no qualms about announcing that. So my children being honest with my questions this morning was both appreciated and an eye opener. If I have accomplished anything with this illness I have managed to educate them about the issues of mental health.
I am so happy to have such intelligent children, even if they themselves are a bit crazy.
Cheers.
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Monday, 2 July 2012
An open letter to my son on his birthday
Happy birthday Iain. 17 Years ago today you came into our lives. You put your mom through hell at the hospital, it took almost 3 days for you to decide to make your entrance, but that's another story. We should have known then you'd be your own person at times, doing things your way. For the most part, you have!
You started your life in a small 2 bedroom apartment with no air, no car, no computer, not much of anything. I wasn't working so I was your life then. I fed you, changed you, taught you, and all the other things a parent does, while your mom worked. Mostly, I filmed you. The video camera was the outlet then. I took you for bus rides just for fun, or to the beach to you could just play in the sand.
You got older and bigger. We began to outgrow the apartment and moved to a rented house, and I started working. Mom and I were on opposite shifts so everything worked out. We even bought a van by then, even though it was used. You didn't talk until you were 2 1/2 years old. That started worrying me until your mother reminded me that Einstein didn't say a word til he was almost 5. On a trip to the Niagara region around that time we went to Marine Land, and you surprised us both with a loud "Look at the Whales Mommy!" We were both shocked, but happy. You just didn't want to talk.
You grew up in that little house, you learned to ride your bike there, you started school there, we played in the park around the corner, you made friends, and you hated cleaning your room. We loved dumping the lego box on the floor and building things for hours, and jumping in the pool on a hot day.
When you were six, you asked why you didn't have a brother or sister. Mom and I always talked about having a second child but the time wasn't right. We knew then it was. Your sister Riley came along a little later. You loved her from the start. You were finally a big brother and you took to the role with great enthusiasm. You tried to teach her all the things you learned while she was still an infant. It didn't matter that she had no idea who this face was constantly staring at her, you felt the need to protect and teach her. And you did.
You continued to grow, and so did your interests. Some were passing fads, some stayed with you. You learned to read early and never let up. Now it's a passion of yours to get lost in a book. You dabbled in the toys that the other kids were into, but you kept coming back to your favourites, like music, books, lego, bikes, and other things. We knew you were on the right path. And you wanted to make sure your sister was there too.
We moved again in 2004, after Nana passed away, and Papa moved in with us. You had a new school to contend with and you missed your old friends. But you started over. You made new friends, and we realized that our entire family lived within 3 blocks of each other. Papa settled in and you guys had the wonderful opportunity to learn from him. You even played soccer with him in the back yard.
You wanted your new room painted in Toronto Maple Leaf colours, and decorated the same way, but you still had an aversion to cleaning it! You found new hobbies and interests, you tried new things, like golf, and we never could get you off your bike or out of the pool. By this time you began using the computer, and wanted one of your own, of course, we said no! You were becoming more independent and adventurous with new friends and the new school, but always, you looked out for your little sister. You helped me around the house, doing drywall, learning to use tools, helping with fences and gates, helping with a new patio, and more. You learned to climb the tree, and discovered that girls really aren't so bad after all.
Papa passed away in 2009 and it broke everyone's heart, especially yours. You were with him when he died. You showed true love for him, and from that day I knew what kind of person you were destined to be - one with a bigger heart than most, and one who cared about his family more than yourself.
Your interests continued, you began teaching yourself guitar, and you're getting quite good at it. You even financed your own bass, and paid it off yourself. Your interest in computers began to take the shape of recording your own music. Please don't stop that, you never know where you'll end up with your talent. You were the reason I wanted drums!
Today you turn 17. You're not an adult yet, but you're far from being a child now. You still watch out for your little sister, and you argue with us when you don't see our point of view, but you're always there to help people in need, regardless of who it is. You have been there for me when I was diagnosed with Bipolar, and you learned to help me with that - even though you keep referring to me as your certifiably insane parental unit. You help your mother often, you cook, you clean (when threatened), you have a good group of friends, and most of all, you believe and understand what family means.
Happy birthday Iain. For all the good and bad that has come our way over the years, you have only started your journey into this life, and you're on track to be a wonderful person. I love you.
You started your life in a small 2 bedroom apartment with no air, no car, no computer, not much of anything. I wasn't working so I was your life then. I fed you, changed you, taught you, and all the other things a parent does, while your mom worked. Mostly, I filmed you. The video camera was the outlet then. I took you for bus rides just for fun, or to the beach to you could just play in the sand.
You got older and bigger. We began to outgrow the apartment and moved to a rented house, and I started working. Mom and I were on opposite shifts so everything worked out. We even bought a van by then, even though it was used. You didn't talk until you were 2 1/2 years old. That started worrying me until your mother reminded me that Einstein didn't say a word til he was almost 5. On a trip to the Niagara region around that time we went to Marine Land, and you surprised us both with a loud "Look at the Whales Mommy!" We were both shocked, but happy. You just didn't want to talk.
You grew up in that little house, you learned to ride your bike there, you started school there, we played in the park around the corner, you made friends, and you hated cleaning your room. We loved dumping the lego box on the floor and building things for hours, and jumping in the pool on a hot day.
When you were six, you asked why you didn't have a brother or sister. Mom and I always talked about having a second child but the time wasn't right. We knew then it was. Your sister Riley came along a little later. You loved her from the start. You were finally a big brother and you took to the role with great enthusiasm. You tried to teach her all the things you learned while she was still an infant. It didn't matter that she had no idea who this face was constantly staring at her, you felt the need to protect and teach her. And you did.
You continued to grow, and so did your interests. Some were passing fads, some stayed with you. You learned to read early and never let up. Now it's a passion of yours to get lost in a book. You dabbled in the toys that the other kids were into, but you kept coming back to your favourites, like music, books, lego, bikes, and other things. We knew you were on the right path. And you wanted to make sure your sister was there too.
We moved again in 2004, after Nana passed away, and Papa moved in with us. You had a new school to contend with and you missed your old friends. But you started over. You made new friends, and we realized that our entire family lived within 3 blocks of each other. Papa settled in and you guys had the wonderful opportunity to learn from him. You even played soccer with him in the back yard.
You wanted your new room painted in Toronto Maple Leaf colours, and decorated the same way, but you still had an aversion to cleaning it! You found new hobbies and interests, you tried new things, like golf, and we never could get you off your bike or out of the pool. By this time you began using the computer, and wanted one of your own, of course, we said no! You were becoming more independent and adventurous with new friends and the new school, but always, you looked out for your little sister. You helped me around the house, doing drywall, learning to use tools, helping with fences and gates, helping with a new patio, and more. You learned to climb the tree, and discovered that girls really aren't so bad after all.
Papa passed away in 2009 and it broke everyone's heart, especially yours. You were with him when he died. You showed true love for him, and from that day I knew what kind of person you were destined to be - one with a bigger heart than most, and one who cared about his family more than yourself.
Your interests continued, you began teaching yourself guitar, and you're getting quite good at it. You even financed your own bass, and paid it off yourself. Your interest in computers began to take the shape of recording your own music. Please don't stop that, you never know where you'll end up with your talent. You were the reason I wanted drums!
Today you turn 17. You're not an adult yet, but you're far from being a child now. You still watch out for your little sister, and you argue with us when you don't see our point of view, but you're always there to help people in need, regardless of who it is. You have been there for me when I was diagnosed with Bipolar, and you learned to help me with that - even though you keep referring to me as your certifiably insane parental unit. You help your mother often, you cook, you clean (when threatened), you have a good group of friends, and most of all, you believe and understand what family means.
Happy birthday Iain. For all the good and bad that has come our way over the years, you have only started your journey into this life, and you're on track to be a wonderful person. I love you.
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Summer's Coming
For the past year or so, or at least since I was diagnosed and started staring at walls more, I have woken up to an empty house. It's a chain reaction in here, Kim gets up stupid early, then wakes up Iain to do his papers, who then wakes up Riley to go to school, who finally wakes me up on the way out the door. This week I have woken up every morning to find Iain on the computer. I'm so confused. He's on exams so he isn't heading in at any regular time.
Summer is almost here and the kids will be home all day with me. It's already started. The computer is the household entertainment unit now. We used to think that getting rid of cable TV was the best thing we ever did around here, the kids would have no choice but to find something else to waste their time with than mindless boob tube. But as it turns out like any other Darwinian scenario, when faced with the need, intelligent creatures adapt and change to their new environments.
The little buggers still won't leave the house.
Now we have the computer, XBox, Wii, and a plethora of other devises that require some sort of cord to keep them happy and inside. All this and the summer has yet to even begin, however you wouldn't know that if you stepped outside - 20 seconds and you loose 5 lbs. of water that you can feel evaporating from the top of your head. I hate hot. And me being as cheap (and Scottish) as I am, refuse to put in the air conditioner. When the temp in here reaches 105 I will consider it.
One huge problem with the computer - I've started a home graphics business. I get dibs, they don't like it. Oh well, I'm getting paid, they're not. On that note, check out Ink Blotch Graphics on Facebook if you suddenly decide you want something designed for whatever reason, say your neighbour's Bar Mitzvah, or any major concert event you happen to be sponsoring, I can help you with that. (By the way, I'm really good, just thought I'd toss in some blatant self-promotion).
Is anyone impressed that I haven't mentioned being Bipolar yet? Just wondering.
So this summer promises to be weirder than most. The kids are older now, which means they're harder to keep happy. I'm older now which means I'm seriously into a mid-life crisis (as well as sick). And it's hot enough out to melt the metal chairs on the patio. We have some projects going on as well, which are going way too slow for my liking, We're taking out all the carpeting upstairs and installing hardwood flooring. So far, only one room is anywhere near done, so we're sleeping wherever we can, I drew the short straw and got the living room couch. So hire me so I can finish this damn job!
We're planning to drag the kids kicking and screaming out of here too, This being the Bicentennial of the War of 1812, and we being history nuts, we're going to Summerfest to see the tall ships and re-enactments of the battles between Windsor and Detroit. That should be fun, if my sandals don't melt to the pavement. I would love to drive up to the Niagara region to see their festivities too, Queenston Heights and the Brock Monument are worth the trip on any day, but with the added events I don't want to miss it. Only problem is my car needs new front bearings and won't make the trip. That means the hardwood will get pushed back again.
Whatever you do this summer, make it worth your while for your kids. Make it fun for you too, personally I'd love to spend it in the Caribbean on a beach, but that ain't gonna happen, so we make the best of what we have, and enjoy what we can. I'm not letting my illness wreck this summer. It's not a vacation for me, I spend way too much time in here now. It's a family time that should be relished and preserved.
Now with my luck, someone is going to hire me for a massive job with a ridiculous deadline that eliminates all these plans. As long as they pay me. I can only wish.
Cheers.
Summer is almost here and the kids will be home all day with me. It's already started. The computer is the household entertainment unit now. We used to think that getting rid of cable TV was the best thing we ever did around here, the kids would have no choice but to find something else to waste their time with than mindless boob tube. But as it turns out like any other Darwinian scenario, when faced with the need, intelligent creatures adapt and change to their new environments.
The little buggers still won't leave the house.
Now we have the computer, XBox, Wii, and a plethora of other devises that require some sort of cord to keep them happy and inside. All this and the summer has yet to even begin, however you wouldn't know that if you stepped outside - 20 seconds and you loose 5 lbs. of water that you can feel evaporating from the top of your head. I hate hot. And me being as cheap (and Scottish) as I am, refuse to put in the air conditioner. When the temp in here reaches 105 I will consider it.
One huge problem with the computer - I've started a home graphics business. I get dibs, they don't like it. Oh well, I'm getting paid, they're not. On that note, check out Ink Blotch Graphics on Facebook if you suddenly decide you want something designed for whatever reason, say your neighbour's Bar Mitzvah, or any major concert event you happen to be sponsoring, I can help you with that. (By the way, I'm really good, just thought I'd toss in some blatant self-promotion).
Is anyone impressed that I haven't mentioned being Bipolar yet? Just wondering.
So this summer promises to be weirder than most. The kids are older now, which means they're harder to keep happy. I'm older now which means I'm seriously into a mid-life crisis (as well as sick). And it's hot enough out to melt the metal chairs on the patio. We have some projects going on as well, which are going way too slow for my liking, We're taking out all the carpeting upstairs and installing hardwood flooring. So far, only one room is anywhere near done, so we're sleeping wherever we can, I drew the short straw and got the living room couch. So hire me so I can finish this damn job!
We're planning to drag the kids kicking and screaming out of here too, This being the Bicentennial of the War of 1812, and we being history nuts, we're going to Summerfest to see the tall ships and re-enactments of the battles between Windsor and Detroit. That should be fun, if my sandals don't melt to the pavement. I would love to drive up to the Niagara region to see their festivities too, Queenston Heights and the Brock Monument are worth the trip on any day, but with the added events I don't want to miss it. Only problem is my car needs new front bearings and won't make the trip. That means the hardwood will get pushed back again.
Whatever you do this summer, make it worth your while for your kids. Make it fun for you too, personally I'd love to spend it in the Caribbean on a beach, but that ain't gonna happen, so we make the best of what we have, and enjoy what we can. I'm not letting my illness wreck this summer. It's not a vacation for me, I spend way too much time in here now. It's a family time that should be relished and preserved.
Now with my luck, someone is going to hire me for a massive job with a ridiculous deadline that eliminates all these plans. As long as they pay me. I can only wish.
Cheers.
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
Trying to change the subject
For months now I've written about my struggles with Bipolar Syndrome. It's been all consuming in my life for the past year, and frankly it's driving me nuts. Learning to live with something new isn't the easiest task, and there are days where I feel I've failed at coping mechanisms. Days where I just want to curl up in my bed and stare at the ceiling fan.
This is getting a little boring.
I'm not really handling this well, and not really getting better, I have a long road ahead of me. So given that, I will quickly lose readership. I sit here when the mood hits thinking of things to write about, experiences I've had or an opinion on some news story. In the past I found it easy to write about camping trips or idiots, or idiots I've seen camping, or cadets - a lifelong love of mine, or my family, whatever, I've written about it. I wrote extensively about my father's passing and his funeral/wake. I've written about childhood experiences that provide fond memories, I've written about about our veterans, and I am rather proud of some of my Remembrance Day posts. I still get hits from Google searches on those.
So in a nutshell, here's what's happening around here that does not have anything to do with Bipolar.
• We're moving four rooms around at the same time and cleaning out the basement to accommodate that. In the end we'll end up with a spare bedroom and new flooring on the second floor. In the meantime, if you visit, don't expect a clean house.
• I've taken up Aikido in an effort to keep in shape. So far it just hurts.
• My son had all his hair cut off last night. It was past his shoulders in an attempt to be a rockstar, but he's now intent on joining the reserves. I am proud of him for making that decision. The military runs in our family and he's planning on carrying the torch.
• I am finally getting some freelance graphics work coming in, hopefully that keeps up a good pace. Not having a job I could use the income. Besides, working from home has some serious advantages.
• We helped my sister and brother in law move to a new house recently. Please don't ever ask me to help you move.
• Kim and I recently celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.
• Last week there was a bomb threat at a house around the corner, which can be a little disconcerting seeing that many police cars in your neighbourhood - every street was blocked off. At least it provided the gawkers with something to stare at for a while. Nothing blew up.
That's really the just of it, a boring little life in Wilsonworld.
This blog was originally intended as an outlet for someone in mid-life crisis. I'm still there, if anything, the crisis has gotten worse. At middle age my life has turned upside down. The question now is where do I go from here? I resigned my job because of the illness and have essentially become a stay at home dad and husband, not so much like several thousand other unemployed people in this area, but mine is different. So I have to find a way to re-organize my life and start off in a new direction. There are days where that seems like a distinct possibility, and days where I feel like I just want to quit. But I can't quit, I'm only 43. I have lots of life left in me, and I haven't even started my bucket list yet. It's been just over one year since all this started and I feel it's time to move on. Time to either shit or get off the pot.
As Robert Frost said famously;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I just haven't picked the right road yet.
Cheers.
This is getting a little boring.
I'm not really handling this well, and not really getting better, I have a long road ahead of me. So given that, I will quickly lose readership. I sit here when the mood hits thinking of things to write about, experiences I've had or an opinion on some news story. In the past I found it easy to write about camping trips or idiots, or idiots I've seen camping, or cadets - a lifelong love of mine, or my family, whatever, I've written about it. I wrote extensively about my father's passing and his funeral/wake. I've written about childhood experiences that provide fond memories, I've written about about our veterans, and I am rather proud of some of my Remembrance Day posts. I still get hits from Google searches on those.
So in a nutshell, here's what's happening around here that does not have anything to do with Bipolar.
• We're moving four rooms around at the same time and cleaning out the basement to accommodate that. In the end we'll end up with a spare bedroom and new flooring on the second floor. In the meantime, if you visit, don't expect a clean house.
• I've taken up Aikido in an effort to keep in shape. So far it just hurts.
• My son had all his hair cut off last night. It was past his shoulders in an attempt to be a rockstar, but he's now intent on joining the reserves. I am proud of him for making that decision. The military runs in our family and he's planning on carrying the torch.
• I am finally getting some freelance graphics work coming in, hopefully that keeps up a good pace. Not having a job I could use the income. Besides, working from home has some serious advantages.
• We helped my sister and brother in law move to a new house recently. Please don't ever ask me to help you move.
• Kim and I recently celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.
• Last week there was a bomb threat at a house around the corner, which can be a little disconcerting seeing that many police cars in your neighbourhood - every street was blocked off. At least it provided the gawkers with something to stare at for a while. Nothing blew up.
That's really the just of it, a boring little life in Wilsonworld.
This blog was originally intended as an outlet for someone in mid-life crisis. I'm still there, if anything, the crisis has gotten worse. At middle age my life has turned upside down. The question now is where do I go from here? I resigned my job because of the illness and have essentially become a stay at home dad and husband, not so much like several thousand other unemployed people in this area, but mine is different. So I have to find a way to re-organize my life and start off in a new direction. There are days where that seems like a distinct possibility, and days where I feel like I just want to quit. But I can't quit, I'm only 43. I have lots of life left in me, and I haven't even started my bucket list yet. It's been just over one year since all this started and I feel it's time to move on. Time to either shit or get off the pot.
As Robert Frost said famously;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I just haven't picked the right road yet.
Cheers.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
A little understanding if you will
Depression sucks. I've now been dealing with this condition for a year, and it sucks. Several times in the past I've written about my experiences with the disorder I've been handed - Bipolar, but it's the depression that hurts the most.
Of all the posts I've written, one overwhelming constant from the comments (besides my friends giving me a cheery note now and then), has been people who are suffering from this disease from a depression standpoint. I have also taken the time to read other people's accounts of the disease and how it affects them, in my last post I quoted a book called 'An Unquiet Mind'. Whether you suffer or not, it's a must read. This woman is batshit crazy and made it through life hiding it and now teaches Psychiatry at a major university. It's really an unbelievable story.
However, those of us suffering now can't imagine getting to that point yet. Hell, sometimes I can't imagine getting out of bed in the morning. Yesterday I got dressed at 7pm, and that was only because I had to go to the store. I spent 5 hours sitting in my bed staring out a window. I didn't sleep, I didn't think, I didn't do anything except lay there existing. A lump on a mattress. No amount of thoughts - good or bad, would move me from that spot. Kim came home, obviously not happy about it, made Iain and I dinner, and did the dishes I should have have done. After dinner; eaten in silence, I again resumed my place on the couch. Yeah, depression sucks.
Today I'm forcing it. Today I'm forcing myself to get dressed, do some work around the house, have a hot bath, and write this blog. It's not easy at all. I'm pissed off that it has come to the point where I have to force myself to do these things. There used to be a certain amount of joy in these things. Going to work, going for a walk on a sunny day, even cutting the lawn. Not now, everything seems like a chore.
I'm not alone.
If I've learned one thing since this journey started it's that there are millions of people out there suffering the same thing. Whether it's Anxiety issues, Panic, Depression, or any of the multitude of other conditions collectively labelled under mental illness, I'm just one in a million. My friends all know someone who suffers, some in silence, some are very vocal. I tend to be one of the vocal ones. Yet I feel alone.
There's treatment out there for this, psychiatrists prescribe medication, therapists provide comfort, organizations provide activities, hospitals provide beds for the worst cases, at this point I've seen them all. I think I've been lucky with the care I've had, but reading some other blogs and facebook posts, many are not so lucky. I've often joked that I feel like an American once I got sick because I lost my income and the care is costly. Not the medical care, but the toll it takes on the household. I'm lucky, I didn't get a bill from my 15 days in the psych ward. I don't get a bill from my psychiatrist, Even my therapist is free because I got into the Canadian Mental Health Association. I can't say enough about the work they do for those suffering. But I do feel for those who have lost everything because of an illness that has no signs or symptoms. Only the person suffering can truly understand it.
Depression is a joke in some circles. I've heard it for years - It's all in your head they say. OF COURSE IT IS! And how could someone not suffering from it possibly understand it? Until I was diagnosed Bipolar, I didn't either. All that changed last April. Now I get it. Now we have to understand it from the point of view of someone not suffering.
Read up on it. Not just here, read other blogs, read medical websites, read anything. Depression is partially controlled by medication, but it's a serious condition that will always be with the person suffering. I don't know what set me off yesterday, but it doesn't matter today. Today I am pushing myself to be better. Tomorrow I will push again. And every day my friends and family will endure this journey with me. The same goes for the millions of others who suffer. It's not just them - it's husbands and wives, children, friends, workmates, anyone who's in contact with the person suffering.
So consider those around you. Think about whether they are in the club, or know someone who is, and give them a break. It can be beaten, but I know I'm a long way off from that, but hope is a powerful tool. So is understanding and compassion.
Cheers.
Of all the posts I've written, one overwhelming constant from the comments (besides my friends giving me a cheery note now and then), has been people who are suffering from this disease from a depression standpoint. I have also taken the time to read other people's accounts of the disease and how it affects them, in my last post I quoted a book called 'An Unquiet Mind'. Whether you suffer or not, it's a must read. This woman is batshit crazy and made it through life hiding it and now teaches Psychiatry at a major university. It's really an unbelievable story.
However, those of us suffering now can't imagine getting to that point yet. Hell, sometimes I can't imagine getting out of bed in the morning. Yesterday I got dressed at 7pm, and that was only because I had to go to the store. I spent 5 hours sitting in my bed staring out a window. I didn't sleep, I didn't think, I didn't do anything except lay there existing. A lump on a mattress. No amount of thoughts - good or bad, would move me from that spot. Kim came home, obviously not happy about it, made Iain and I dinner, and did the dishes I should have have done. After dinner; eaten in silence, I again resumed my place on the couch. Yeah, depression sucks.
Today I'm forcing it. Today I'm forcing myself to get dressed, do some work around the house, have a hot bath, and write this blog. It's not easy at all. I'm pissed off that it has come to the point where I have to force myself to do these things. There used to be a certain amount of joy in these things. Going to work, going for a walk on a sunny day, even cutting the lawn. Not now, everything seems like a chore.
I'm not alone.
If I've learned one thing since this journey started it's that there are millions of people out there suffering the same thing. Whether it's Anxiety issues, Panic, Depression, or any of the multitude of other conditions collectively labelled under mental illness, I'm just one in a million. My friends all know someone who suffers, some in silence, some are very vocal. I tend to be one of the vocal ones. Yet I feel alone.
There's treatment out there for this, psychiatrists prescribe medication, therapists provide comfort, organizations provide activities, hospitals provide beds for the worst cases, at this point I've seen them all. I think I've been lucky with the care I've had, but reading some other blogs and facebook posts, many are not so lucky. I've often joked that I feel like an American once I got sick because I lost my income and the care is costly. Not the medical care, but the toll it takes on the household. I'm lucky, I didn't get a bill from my 15 days in the psych ward. I don't get a bill from my psychiatrist, Even my therapist is free because I got into the Canadian Mental Health Association. I can't say enough about the work they do for those suffering. But I do feel for those who have lost everything because of an illness that has no signs or symptoms. Only the person suffering can truly understand it.
Depression is a joke in some circles. I've heard it for years - It's all in your head they say. OF COURSE IT IS! And how could someone not suffering from it possibly understand it? Until I was diagnosed Bipolar, I didn't either. All that changed last April. Now I get it. Now we have to understand it from the point of view of someone not suffering.
Read up on it. Not just here, read other blogs, read medical websites, read anything. Depression is partially controlled by medication, but it's a serious condition that will always be with the person suffering. I don't know what set me off yesterday, but it doesn't matter today. Today I am pushing myself to be better. Tomorrow I will push again. And every day my friends and family will endure this journey with me. The same goes for the millions of others who suffer. It's not just them - it's husbands and wives, children, friends, workmates, anyone who's in contact with the person suffering.
So consider those around you. Think about whether they are in the club, or know someone who is, and give them a break. It can be beaten, but I know I'm a long way off from that, but hope is a powerful tool. So is understanding and compassion.
Cheers.
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